Hiding From Reality: My Story of Love, Loss, and Finding the Courage Within by Taylor Armstrong

Author:Taylor Armstrong [Armstrong, Taylor]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: General, Television Actors and Actresses, Biography & Autobiography, Biography, California, Women, Abused Wives, Rich & Famous, Los Angeles, Wife Abuse, Television Actors and Actresses - California - Los Angeles, Family Violence, Wife Abuse - United States, Television Actors and Actresses - Family Relationships - United States, Family Violence - United States, Family Violence - California - Los Angeles, Armstrong; Taylor, Wife Abuse - California - Los Angeles, Abused Wives - California - Los Angeles, Abused Wives - Rehabilitation - United States
ISBN: 9781451677713
Publisher: Gallery Books
Published: 2012-02-07T08:00:00+00:00

chapter eight

“I’ve Got to Get Out of This Relationship”

One night, Russell started screaming at me at an event. He then stormed off and left me without a ride home, as he had done so many times before. Only, something had changed. In the past, it had been difficult for me to maintain close friendships, both because of my discomfort with intimacy, and later, my desire to protect Russell from my friends’ judgment about the way he treated me. But the nature of the show meant that my castmates and I were forced to be intimate with each other, day in and day out, for seven months at a time. No matter how uncomfortable I sometimes felt being so close to them, I could only retreat from them so far. Ultimately I think this was very healthy for me, especially because I was at a point in my marriage when I was trying to gain the courage and strength I needed to finally make Russell get help and change his behavior, or to leave him once and for all. I have spoken with the other girls on the show about how we are almost like sisters, and how much we always held each other accountable for our behavior. I think this took me out of my comfort zone in a really healthy way.

Having five strong personalities around me made me grow stronger. It made me realize that I didn’t need to be a people-pleaser to please people. I finally understood that standing up for myself and speaking my mind in the moment was how I was going to teach people how I wanted to be treated. Seeing how my five castmates lived their lives made me see more clearly than ever before how much I wanted to change myself—but in a positive, healing way, this time—and my life. The realization gave me hope that I could grow stronger, find my voice, and finally achieve equality in my marriage.

The show was a big catalyst for me to take a more honest look at my relationship with Russell, not only because it was about to be in the public eye, but also because I was interacting with other married women and seeing what their relationships were like. Once I sized up my marriage in comparison, I had to admit all that was wrong with it and finally try to do something about the problems. Not that this all happened right away. At first the changes were small.

On the night when Russell left me at yet another event, instead of going home and facing more of his abuse, or crawling into bed with my daughter to hide from him, I took a cab to Lisa’s restaurant, Sur. She was having dinner there with Kyle, and when I walked into the restaurant and joined them at their table, I was bawling. The show’s producers were sitting at another table in the restaurant. There was no hiding how upset I was.

These moments began to add up.

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